Friendship
Why are we all talking about it now? And 14 resources to explore if you want more of the conversation.
Weirdly, one of the most noticeable things about spending the last ten days with my best friend, who I have not spent more than a few days with since we met 11 years ago, was our differences in nighttime routines. She’s a night owl, I like to go to bed early and wake up early. She wants utter silence when she sleeps, and I can’t sleep without white noise. She takes 15 minutes to lather her entire body in lotion before she sleeps (lol), and I do no such thing, instead immediately starting to read and basically falling asleep before she’s done lotioning (and yes, this did make me realize how dry my skin must be…). Why I bring this up is because we’re 31. Our routines are pretty cemented, and frankly, are important for both of our sanities. So what were we going to do? I was honestly a bit worried about how this would go with me staying with her, in her bed, for ten days. Would we be able to coexist in the space? Was it going to cause tension? Would I be a sleepless mess and she increasingly frustrated that I got tired hours before she did?
What was really fun to discover for the both of us was how not a big deal it was when I got there, because we laid it all out to bare. We communicated explicitly and often about our needs, when our limits were being pushed vs. when we were ok compromising (for ex: I turned my white noise machine on as low as I could stomach, and she wore ear plugs). This communication extended beyond our nighttime routines: we told each other when we were tired and didn’t want to talk, when we needed to move our bodies, when our stomachs were having issues, when she was triggered by something and was shutting down etc.
As a result, spending ten days with each other was shockingly not at all tense, uncomfortable, or anxiety-inducing. She is one of my really good friends so I wasn’t worried in any serious way about that stuff, but I was worried in small ways that being around someone that much, so far away from my routine and habits, was going to push my avoidant and introverted self to the edge.
This may be an obvious point but it became abundantly clear that the only way you can mesh more than one person into a room/situation/bed/life is if you talk openly about what you want and need. About what makes you uncomfortable, or sad, or nervous. I knew this on some level because I’ve lived with my partner for two years now. But doing that with friends? It feels different to me. In some ways, it feels more vulnerable to speak so openly with friends. We are told that that is a requirement in a romantic partnership, that talking about needs and desires is the only way to achieve longevity and happiness. That compromise is key. That it requires hard work. All those things. But with friendships, we somehow aren’t, or haven’t been, told that a friendship also requires work and communication. That you need to honor a friendship by advocating for yourself, by speaking up, by confronting them when you feel wronged, by providing and receiving feedback. That while a friendship might have begun casually or circumstantially (like on a playground or as random roommates) a friendship will not be self-sustaining as you get older; it too requires intentionality and work to last.
This idea has been coming up so much in the articles I’ve been reading, podcasts I’ve been listening to, and conversations I’ve had with friends. That if we want to decenter romantic relationships from our lives and re-center friendships- or at least just maintain real friendships, we have to talk about hard and awkward things.
We have a loneliness epidemic in the US, wherein 1 in 2 US adults have reported feeling lonely, and that data is from before the pandemic.
The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day (source)
Anecdotally from my TikTok comments, it’s clear people are struggling to find, keep, strengthen, and understand friends. We have a lot of thoughts.
So what is happening? Honestly, I have no idea, but I think so much of it comes down to a) capitalism (because of course) and b) communication, or lack thereof.
The capitalism one is harder (nay, impossible?) to fix, at least not in any large scale way. This feeling of “I don’t have enough time to spend with friends,” or “It’s hard for me to commit to anything more than an hour or two because I don’t want to give them my whole Saturday,” or “I’m exhausted after working and the last thing I want to do is go out for a drink.” This idea of not controlling our own schedules, feeling beholden to an 8-hour work day, feeling protective of our freetime because it’s so rare. All of that is so real and incredibly hard to understand how to address.
The second one: communication, feels much more in our grasp, even as it can be deeply uncomfy. It feels revolutionary to speak hard truths to friends. As a people-pleaser myself, I would rather feel deeply uncomfortable if it meant not creating an awkward conversation or interaction. But as I get older, I realize that is not showing up honestly or vulnerably in my friendships. And that if I can articulate my needs to myself (for ex: around how often I like to text, or how much alone time I need, or how much money I want to spend on a night out), and then I can tell that to my friend, *if* the friend is willing to listen, our friendship can be transformed into something magical, something comfortable, something sustainable. And that in fact so much of the roots of our discomfort around friendship, or our feelings of isolation and loneliness stem from not communicating openly with them.
Of course not everyone will be willing to greet your honestly and openness well. This might require years of practice with them. You might lose some friends in the process. But the flip side of this, should you continue to practice this seemingly radical transparency, is unlocking new depths of connection- which honestly, when considering the loneliness epidemic stat, really will help you live a happier and healthier life. It sounds so easy, but alas… the feeling of physically wanting to fall through the floor and disappear because I told a friend I don’t want to text as much, makes me feel like this is VERY. HARD.
If this is a topic you find yourself thinking about, or have never thought about but find curious, or want to start talking about with your own friends, I highly recommend getting into some of these things! These are just some of my favorite conversations around friendship recently, but it’s a non-exhaustive list, so tell me what else I’ve missed!
The Cut: Adorable Little Detonators, Our friendship survived bad dates, illness, marriage, fights. Why can’t it survive your baby?
The Atlantic: What Adults Forget About Friendship (in my opinion, this one really tackles both the capitalism and communication aspect)
My TikTok on “I can’t afford my friends anymore” (a piece from Refinery29). Definitely take a look at the comments too.
This podcast episode on how the decline of front porches in the US means we don’t talk to our neighbors
This TikTok about how friendship-building is slow and takes time
This podcast episode (from the same series “How to Talk to People”-honestly I recommend the whole series) about why people flake, the impact of a flake, as well as this phenomenom of asking a friend for something and then saying, “if not, no worries”
This TikTok about “should I move closer to my friends?”
This TikTok about the 6 besties types
This TikTok on advice for how to make and keep friends
This book (“Big Friendship”) on what it actually looks like to prioritize friendship
My TikTok on telling a friend you’re envious of them (highly recommend reading through these comments too, and reflecting on your own relationship to friend envy)
This book ("Conversations on Love”) about all of the different manifestations of love, many of which revolve around friendship
This TikTok about how intimacy requires conflict
This book (“Saving Time”) about how we can change our relationship to the clock (which in turn means an investment, or reinvestment, in friends and community)
Those are just some of the things that I’ve consumed in the last few months around friendship. But I know there’s a ton more. What have you read or listened to recently about friendship (positive, dire, stressful, inspiring etc.) that has stuck with you? Pleaseeee share! I really want to figure out how to keep this conversation going.
Have you said something honest to a friend recently? Maybe something super small, or something really intense and big? I’d love to know! I am trying SO hard to be honest with friends but it’s a slow process, so any attempt we make is worth sharing. Please tell me in the comments or reply to this email!
“I would rather feel deeply uncomfortable if it meant not creating an awkward conversation or interaction.” — This is such a relatable, sobering sentence on how we really just exchange one discomfort for another, at our own expense, for the sake of staying in connections that ultimately aren’t fulfilling us! It’s fascinating to think we hold onto these half-dynamics because it’s so difficult to make friends, reintroducing ourselves over and over to hopefully, eventually, feel comfortable, but by presenting only as a mirror to attract, we limit our ability to form real authentic relationships. Communication really is key to unlocking everything!
I always love the media you share, whether it’s on Tiktok or Substack. Thank you Miriam.
A video I recently watched on friendship from my favourite Youtuber: https://youtu.be/9wswpdF7vL4?feature=shared