Reminds me of the concept of autistic inertia, difficulty with transitions and monotropism. Similarly with ADHD, there are things people want to do, but have difficulty initiating. I don’t experience this in social situations but with daily routine tasks and non preferred tasks, or when I’m really engrossed in an activity (e.g., I just started organizing all of our books off a whim and don’t want to be asked to do the dishes). It really activates me and makes me frustrated actually.
I came here to say this as well, especially since the concept of inertia was mentioned in the piece. I experience the same dilemmas as the one outlined in this article, as well as the ones you've mentioned. It took me thirty years of being alive to understand that my difficulty in giving up my solitude and transitioning comfortably into social situations (even ones I want to be part of) is related to my neurodivergence and issues with executive function. Unfortunately, I still don't always know what to do about it.
I feel this ACUTELY, and it always throws me for a loop as well! The confusion of “this is what I’ve been saying I want, so shouldn’t I ALWAYS want it?” is very real. I do think a big piece of it (for me) is simply “my body/nervous system is not currently used to the uber-casual-hang as an option, and so treats each hangout opportunity as a bigger deal than it is, or needs to be.” I think if I had experienced these types of off-the-cuff drop-ins from friends and family more as I grew into adulthood (I’m thinking specifically during post-college life, since that’s when this became a relative rarity), then I might be more apt to 1) treat them with a less panicked response, and 2) be better able to accept that there will be other opportunities — and thus more at peace with my body saying “no, not today” without feeling like I’m squandering a rare opportunity (and subsequently discouraging friends from reaching out at all in those scenarios).
My dream is to ease myself into these types of relationships, but I am very aware I have a long way to go in order to get there!
YES. it’s interesting bc when I think of having kids (don’t have them currently, I REALLY would only want to have them with that sort of support system/community around. But I know I have to build that now in order to….have it later LOL WHYYYYYYY must it be that way 😂
I’m going through that right now. I’m in Stockholm to finish out our 12 day trip. We leave tomorrow. I’m dreading reaching out to my high school best friend to see him again today before I go back to US. (I hung out with him for a few days earlier in the trip). I wonder if at this point of our trip, now that I spent last few days with only Bonnie, maybe I should continue to stick to that (Newton’s 1st law again).
On the other hand, there is this couple of friends we used to love hanging out with, and one time they said “let’s meet in a few”, and it was such a joy/high I felt that I think I’m still searching for that feeling with friends. After their message, we dropped all our plans, went back home to drop the dogs off and then went to meet them right away. I think the “Other Significant Other” used a term for early relationship/romance excitement that I can’t recall now, but it was something like that.
Oh I relate so hard to this!! My immediate reaction is “you saw them once on the trip, isnt that enough?” 🙃🙃 Because that exact scenario has happened to me on trips where I know people. And then I judge myself for not wanting to squeeze every opportunity to see them…why must it be so loaded ugh did you end up reaching out to him to hang again? If so, how was it? Are you happy you did it, if you did?
We did not reach out to them, and I am actually glad we did not. We had packing to do and we were so tired. I would have been so nervous the entire time about this morning, I probably would not have enjoyed it anyways. But… am I justifying it a little bit? Maybe. This specific time around, I think the facts were more on my side so I don’t feel as much guilt.
AHHH IS THIS ARTICLE READING MY MIND? I feel this so hard. I love community and to speak in your example, when I am in motion I stay in motion. I welcome any and all interaction. But when I’ve planned my day or have a specific course of action in mind, anyone asking me to hang out makes me panic.
This however is completely different when I’m in Sudan. I want anyone to come in my home, I can change pace at any moment. And the key difference is that in America I yearn for and do what I can to build community, but in Sudan community is built-in everywhere. It’s the default settings, that is what life IS. There is no transition, there is no space you have to make for community, you are already living inside it. So I have to be easy on myself when I run from a phone call of someone I know is about to ask me to hang 😭, and get used to making that transition to action so many times that my brain finally realizes it doesn’t ruin everything lol!
But yes, I’m still figuring it out too! I love this article and how real this is.
Omg this makes SO MUCH SENSE. Even just my two weeks in Jordan in May were starting to acclimate my body/mind more to the idea of just being around lots of people, of being invited to things last minute, of not planning in advance etc and so I can imagine being immersed for a while in that culture would absolutely change how I view community/socializing. And it makes sooooo much sense how in the states, my norm is solitude and isolation honestly (like I have friends but you get what I mean). So everything social-related feels HARD
This notion of ‘built in community’ is vital to deter the kind of whiplash and depletion from constant reorienting.
I’m not sure if this was true everywhere in the 90s but it certainly was in my ‘cloisterd’ inner city community where I raised my family. This was pre-mobile phones. Parents would meet at school pick up and invariably your child would go home with somebody else’s Parent or I would have other children come home with me. and then there’d be the dropping off back home, which would mean that tea or coffee was assured, or even a meal at dinner. “dropping in” outside of this time was also more spontaneous - no check if you are home text. With Everyone living very close by and walkable, it could mean you’d walk past a friends home and either knock on their door and be welcomed in, if not that I’d be a brief chat over the fence. No shame. My children are now adults and the world is different. My community is no longer built in and effort is required to maintain bonds feels like obligation.
Wow did you grow up in the states? Such a good point about no cellphones/technology; there was an ease/slowness/security in the ways we engaged with people back then
Not the US, this is in Australia. I feel like “lingering” with each other was something we did more then. As I recall this I think I’ll try and linger more, be agenda-less, follow the urge for more spontaneous even if brief connections. I wonder what “building in” a community might entail.
This is a really helpful insight! I’ve felt much more relaxed when living in more community-based cultures too. It’s natural to be in contact; the responsibility is distributed amongst many.
Maybe the reason connection often feels like a burden in less community-based cultures is because there’s a hidden weight in every interaction. We feel the pressure to recreate something we have lost. Something we deeply long for, but which is so much bigger than a one-to-one interaction/relationship can hold. In that light, avoidance makes a lot of sense (and accepting that, rather than judging ourselves - as I do too - can be a starting point to building something new).
Feeling this! As other people have noted, it’s so hard and applicable to other areas of life. The tricky thing between, say, task initiation for a work task or a chore, is that I can trick my brain by saying ok just do 5 minutes and then you can stop, but for socializing it doesn’t quite work to be like ok just socialize for 5 minutes and then you can stop. If community was much more part of our lives, it might actually work that way because it wouldn’t be as big of a deal to say hey I can’t right now - but when socializing is rarer, every encounter carries more weight and it makes us less able to initiate cause of the commitment that each encounter takes. Thanks for externalizing these thoughts, def not alone!
I absolutely feel this! We recently moved into the same neighborhood of some of our best friends who are very much the stop by anytime, the door is always open people. And while I so want to be that, I'm not sure that approach works for me being able to manage my daily energy levels.
And I find I also have to watch myself because when it comes to building community, my eyes can be too big for my stomach. I have so many ideas for fun gatherings and events and ways to introduce people, but at my core, I am an introvert. So for me, it's also about finding satisfaction in the community I do have and not being comparative and aspirational. If my community is working for me in the patterns we have, maybe I can just enjoy it for what it is and accept that I have legitimate energy constraints.
I am one of your readers that has children and your description reminded me of the topic of executive function. (One of the well known authors in regard to executive functions and parenting is Peg Dawson) the function that you are describing is called flexibility and the unease with changes of plans is really similar to what is in the book. An eye opening a thing for me was that your executive functions as a parent often match your childs (which is painfully obvious because who are they learning from?) so if you are someone who has problems starting their tasks (that is the function "Task Initiation", and I believe commenter Amanda referred to it) or you keep losing your keys and receipts and whatnot you'll likely have a child who resembles you in all the ways you don't want it. There also is a connection between certain executive functions and neurodiversity, and lack of flexibility would be most connected to the autism spectrum (again, Amanda referred.to this also). Gifted children often experience asynchronous development of their executive functions, which makes parents say things like, that child is so smart, why is it so horribly disorganized? I found that topic really eye-opening because it reminded me of my own weaknesses which is always a good thing in parenting. Unfortunately the ideas on how to better your executive functions in Peg Dawson's book all boil down to behaviour charts which we won't do.
Maybe the price of community is inconvenience every now and again? I feel this same way and this is what I tell myself, it helps me strike a balance but sometimes it does feel like I’m betraying what I really want for myself but on the other hand to build community I have to be inconvenienced and make room for casual intimacy here and there.
I have felt this resistance especially in my polyamory journey because I have always fallen back on my ‘capacity’ however that usually isnt actually indicative of my real feelings toward the situation. I have a very rigid life because I habe to in order to maintain myself as an OCD/ADHD human and so when people even weeks in advance plan things with me it can be the mere thought of hanging out that gives me icky feelings (for lack of a better word). Thank you for sharing this and helping me break down the shame i have around recovery because as much as i love people and connecting connecting with myself and my music is my love language
Thank you so much for sharing this thought process and your feelings around that inner conflict. I experience it a lot and am prone to analyzing these "groans" to the point that decisions are made for me (which is usually not what I want or need for myself). The perspective around inertia really resonated with me.
I definitely feel this kind of tension during transitions, and have almost the exact type of wrestling with myself. I’m always worried that if I don’t say yes to that kind of invite, I’ll stop getting them, which would be sad because I’m also trying to build the type of life where that kind of impromptu hand can come about. But am I lying to myself that I want that kind of impromptu hang, when I also have goals and hobbies that I plan time to do when I have free time??
I used to think I was too rigidly planning every moment of free time, so I swung too hard in the other direction and made no plans to be more open to spontaneous events. And now I feel as though I have swung back the other way. Maybe they are just phases that I will swing back and forth between for the rest of my life, and maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing.
Thank you for writing about this... I relate so hard. I just know that I'm very tough with myself about being this way, and even kind of self-punishing for not being spontaneous enough and welcoming. You wrote about groaning prior to events that you initiated or were looking forward to at some point... and I felt SEEN. I also groan at myself for feeling anxiety about responding to a text like I'm deactivating a bomb.
I feel like the Universe dropped this little gem on to my lap at the most appropriate of times. What you explain in this post is something I have struggled with myself for years. So I see you, I really do. It’s a practice you need to do every single day, but listening to your gut is what it boils down to. You can want that kind of spontaneity and still say it came at the wrong time. And those who understand you best, will not take your rejection personally. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you’re always ready for it.
Reminds me of the concept of autistic inertia, difficulty with transitions and monotropism. Similarly with ADHD, there are things people want to do, but have difficulty initiating. I don’t experience this in social situations but with daily routine tasks and non preferred tasks, or when I’m really engrossed in an activity (e.g., I just started organizing all of our books off a whim and don’t want to be asked to do the dishes). It really activates me and makes me frustrated actually.
YUPPPP I relate deeply to this!!! Like honestly paying a bill feels similar to answering a friends text sometimes to me wtf
I came here to say this as well, especially since the concept of inertia was mentioned in the piece. I experience the same dilemmas as the one outlined in this article, as well as the ones you've mentioned. It took me thirty years of being alive to understand that my difficulty in giving up my solitude and transitioning comfortably into social situations (even ones I want to be part of) is related to my neurodivergence and issues with executive function. Unfortunately, I still don't always know what to do about it.
Sending you love and kindness. We won’t always know what to do, and that’s okay. 💕
I feel this ACUTELY, and it always throws me for a loop as well! The confusion of “this is what I’ve been saying I want, so shouldn’t I ALWAYS want it?” is very real. I do think a big piece of it (for me) is simply “my body/nervous system is not currently used to the uber-casual-hang as an option, and so treats each hangout opportunity as a bigger deal than it is, or needs to be.” I think if I had experienced these types of off-the-cuff drop-ins from friends and family more as I grew into adulthood (I’m thinking specifically during post-college life, since that’s when this became a relative rarity), then I might be more apt to 1) treat them with a less panicked response, and 2) be better able to accept that there will be other opportunities — and thus more at peace with my body saying “no, not today” without feeling like I’m squandering a rare opportunity (and subsequently discouraging friends from reaching out at all in those scenarios).
My dream is to ease myself into these types of relationships, but I am very aware I have a long way to go in order to get there!
YES. it’s interesting bc when I think of having kids (don’t have them currently, I REALLY would only want to have them with that sort of support system/community around. But I know I have to build that now in order to….have it later LOL WHYYYYYYY must it be that way 😂
I’m going through that right now. I’m in Stockholm to finish out our 12 day trip. We leave tomorrow. I’m dreading reaching out to my high school best friend to see him again today before I go back to US. (I hung out with him for a few days earlier in the trip). I wonder if at this point of our trip, now that I spent last few days with only Bonnie, maybe I should continue to stick to that (Newton’s 1st law again).
On the other hand, there is this couple of friends we used to love hanging out with, and one time they said “let’s meet in a few”, and it was such a joy/high I felt that I think I’m still searching for that feeling with friends. After their message, we dropped all our plans, went back home to drop the dogs off and then went to meet them right away. I think the “Other Significant Other” used a term for early relationship/romance excitement that I can’t recall now, but it was something like that.
Oh I relate so hard to this!! My immediate reaction is “you saw them once on the trip, isnt that enough?” 🙃🙃 Because that exact scenario has happened to me on trips where I know people. And then I judge myself for not wanting to squeeze every opportunity to see them…why must it be so loaded ugh did you end up reaching out to him to hang again? If so, how was it? Are you happy you did it, if you did?
We did not reach out to them, and I am actually glad we did not. We had packing to do and we were so tired. I would have been so nervous the entire time about this morning, I probably would not have enjoyed it anyways. But… am I justifying it a little bit? Maybe. This specific time around, I think the facts were more on my side so I don’t feel as much guilt.
AHHH IS THIS ARTICLE READING MY MIND? I feel this so hard. I love community and to speak in your example, when I am in motion I stay in motion. I welcome any and all interaction. But when I’ve planned my day or have a specific course of action in mind, anyone asking me to hang out makes me panic.
This however is completely different when I’m in Sudan. I want anyone to come in my home, I can change pace at any moment. And the key difference is that in America I yearn for and do what I can to build community, but in Sudan community is built-in everywhere. It’s the default settings, that is what life IS. There is no transition, there is no space you have to make for community, you are already living inside it. So I have to be easy on myself when I run from a phone call of someone I know is about to ask me to hang 😭, and get used to making that transition to action so many times that my brain finally realizes it doesn’t ruin everything lol!
But yes, I’m still figuring it out too! I love this article and how real this is.
Omg this makes SO MUCH SENSE. Even just my two weeks in Jordan in May were starting to acclimate my body/mind more to the idea of just being around lots of people, of being invited to things last minute, of not planning in advance etc and so I can imagine being immersed for a while in that culture would absolutely change how I view community/socializing. And it makes sooooo much sense how in the states, my norm is solitude and isolation honestly (like I have friends but you get what I mean). So everything social-related feels HARD
This notion of ‘built in community’ is vital to deter the kind of whiplash and depletion from constant reorienting.
I’m not sure if this was true everywhere in the 90s but it certainly was in my ‘cloisterd’ inner city community where I raised my family. This was pre-mobile phones. Parents would meet at school pick up and invariably your child would go home with somebody else’s Parent or I would have other children come home with me. and then there’d be the dropping off back home, which would mean that tea or coffee was assured, or even a meal at dinner. “dropping in” outside of this time was also more spontaneous - no check if you are home text. With Everyone living very close by and walkable, it could mean you’d walk past a friends home and either knock on their door and be welcomed in, if not that I’d be a brief chat over the fence. No shame. My children are now adults and the world is different. My community is no longer built in and effort is required to maintain bonds feels like obligation.
Wow did you grow up in the states? Such a good point about no cellphones/technology; there was an ease/slowness/security in the ways we engaged with people back then
Not the US, this is in Australia. I feel like “lingering” with each other was something we did more then. As I recall this I think I’ll try and linger more, be agenda-less, follow the urge for more spontaneous even if brief connections. I wonder what “building in” a community might entail.
This is a really helpful insight! I’ve felt much more relaxed when living in more community-based cultures too. It’s natural to be in contact; the responsibility is distributed amongst many.
Maybe the reason connection often feels like a burden in less community-based cultures is because there’s a hidden weight in every interaction. We feel the pressure to recreate something we have lost. Something we deeply long for, but which is so much bigger than a one-to-one interaction/relationship can hold. In that light, avoidance makes a lot of sense (and accepting that, rather than judging ourselves - as I do too - can be a starting point to building something new).
Feeling this! As other people have noted, it’s so hard and applicable to other areas of life. The tricky thing between, say, task initiation for a work task or a chore, is that I can trick my brain by saying ok just do 5 minutes and then you can stop, but for socializing it doesn’t quite work to be like ok just socialize for 5 minutes and then you can stop. If community was much more part of our lives, it might actually work that way because it wouldn’t be as big of a deal to say hey I can’t right now - but when socializing is rarer, every encounter carries more weight and it makes us less able to initiate cause of the commitment that each encounter takes. Thanks for externalizing these thoughts, def not alone!
I absolutely feel this! We recently moved into the same neighborhood of some of our best friends who are very much the stop by anytime, the door is always open people. And while I so want to be that, I'm not sure that approach works for me being able to manage my daily energy levels.
And I find I also have to watch myself because when it comes to building community, my eyes can be too big for my stomach. I have so many ideas for fun gatherings and events and ways to introduce people, but at my core, I am an introvert. So for me, it's also about finding satisfaction in the community I do have and not being comparative and aspirational. If my community is working for me in the patterns we have, maybe I can just enjoy it for what it is and accept that I have legitimate energy constraints.
I am one of your readers that has children and your description reminded me of the topic of executive function. (One of the well known authors in regard to executive functions and parenting is Peg Dawson) the function that you are describing is called flexibility and the unease with changes of plans is really similar to what is in the book. An eye opening a thing for me was that your executive functions as a parent often match your childs (which is painfully obvious because who are they learning from?) so if you are someone who has problems starting their tasks (that is the function "Task Initiation", and I believe commenter Amanda referred to it) or you keep losing your keys and receipts and whatnot you'll likely have a child who resembles you in all the ways you don't want it. There also is a connection between certain executive functions and neurodiversity, and lack of flexibility would be most connected to the autism spectrum (again, Amanda referred.to this also). Gifted children often experience asynchronous development of their executive functions, which makes parents say things like, that child is so smart, why is it so horribly disorganized? I found that topic really eye-opening because it reminded me of my own weaknesses which is always a good thing in parenting. Unfortunately the ideas on how to better your executive functions in Peg Dawson's book all boil down to behaviour charts which we won't do.
Maybe the price of community is inconvenience every now and again? I feel this same way and this is what I tell myself, it helps me strike a balance but sometimes it does feel like I’m betraying what I really want for myself but on the other hand to build community I have to be inconvenienced and make room for casual intimacy here and there.
I have felt this resistance especially in my polyamory journey because I have always fallen back on my ‘capacity’ however that usually isnt actually indicative of my real feelings toward the situation. I have a very rigid life because I habe to in order to maintain myself as an OCD/ADHD human and so when people even weeks in advance plan things with me it can be the mere thought of hanging out that gives me icky feelings (for lack of a better word). Thank you for sharing this and helping me break down the shame i have around recovery because as much as i love people and connecting connecting with myself and my music is my love language
My kindred spirit, a conversation I’ll never tire of with you. Seen, felt and heard!!!
Thank you so much for sharing this thought process and your feelings around that inner conflict. I experience it a lot and am prone to analyzing these "groans" to the point that decisions are made for me (which is usually not what I want or need for myself). The perspective around inertia really resonated with me.
I loved this post so much. Also I'm so curious what you ended up replying to the friend!
I definitely feel this kind of tension during transitions, and have almost the exact type of wrestling with myself. I’m always worried that if I don’t say yes to that kind of invite, I’ll stop getting them, which would be sad because I’m also trying to build the type of life where that kind of impromptu hand can come about. But am I lying to myself that I want that kind of impromptu hang, when I also have goals and hobbies that I plan time to do when I have free time??
I used to think I was too rigidly planning every moment of free time, so I swung too hard in the other direction and made no plans to be more open to spontaneous events. And now I feel as though I have swung back the other way. Maybe they are just phases that I will swing back and forth between for the rest of my life, and maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing.
Thank you for writing about this... I relate so hard. I just know that I'm very tough with myself about being this way, and even kind of self-punishing for not being spontaneous enough and welcoming. You wrote about groaning prior to events that you initiated or were looking forward to at some point... and I felt SEEN. I also groan at myself for feeling anxiety about responding to a text like I'm deactivating a bomb.
I feel like the Universe dropped this little gem on to my lap at the most appropriate of times. What you explain in this post is something I have struggled with myself for years. So I see you, I really do. It’s a practice you need to do every single day, but listening to your gut is what it boils down to. You can want that kind of spontaneity and still say it came at the wrong time. And those who understand you best, will not take your rejection personally. Just because you want something doesn’t mean you’re always ready for it.
It’s like I could have written this. Thank you 🥹